Friday, April 25, 2014

Being Brutally Honest: Pouring it all out

I'm turning 28 this year. I am working. I am studying law. I am bored. I am tired. And my life seems to lack that sufficient sense of direction. I am not happy.

I am a simple person with simple wants and simple joys. I delight in eating full and watching movies. I feel good spending time with my family. I love my job and I feel so accomplished about it. And I could spend my entire life doing what I do now.

I dream of being a lawyer. It's a childhood dream. But it's a very difficult dream to achieve. The sleepless nights, financial constraints, time to study well, volume of the subjects to be studied, and the impossible level of difficulty of the subject matter are just too much. This is a dream that needs 101% attention or time if you really want to succeed. But of course, I can't give that much. I love working.It's my bread and butter so I need to maximize my time and try to force my brain to work despite the exhaustion. It's difficult but I have to continue because people expect me to be great and to be someone important in the society. It's a very challenging feat.

I am a simple person and I do not want to complicate my life. I don't wish to become rich or to become a well-known person. But my life is just that - complicated.

I want my family to be proud of me when and if God allow me to become a lawyer. It would be my family's greatest pride, I bet. If I will attain that dream, it will change my whole life. It will open floodgates of opportunities for me to better my life. 

But then, what I really want at this point in my life are these:

I want to get married to a man that I don't want to spend my lifetime without and build a family of my own. I want to have a child already and feel that love they said that we can only feel when we give birth to another human being. I feel envious of my friends who already have their kids. I am envious of my sister whose joy of life is Baby Zie. It's like having a child will help me build a better future for myself.

I'm turning 28 and yet I feel that all that I am doing right now don't really amount to anything. This life of mine lacks purpose.

I am tired living a life based on the expectations of other people. It's hard to always be mindful of what they will say if you will take a road less traveled and follow your real dreams.

I'm tired of asking myself these:

"will they feel bad if I say this?"
"will they get angry if I say I don't want this anymore?"
"will they get hurt if I follow my heart?"
"will they be disappointed if I refuse to mind what other people may think?"
"will they be okay with the idea that I live a simple life?"
"will they turn their backs on me if I say that I am not happy with what they want me to be?"

I am tired. I want to settle already. I don't want to wake up one day wondering what have I done with my life.

But then life is not that simple.