Thursday, May 4, 2017

The Blind Girl (Final Chapter)

Click here for the Chapter III: 

"How dare you! How dare you come into my life like a storm and then just suddenly leave me like it was nothing! I was a total wreck when you left! And then now, you came back and suddenly demand from me to accept you like nothing happened?!" How dare you!?" I yelled. I felt that all the emotions I've kept within myself were rushing out like flood.

Stephanie was crying uncontrollably while saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". I felt so conflicted in not wanting to hurt her while wanting to knock sense on her.

As I was looking intently at her crying face, I realized one thing. How could I ever breath normally again without this girl by my side?

"You hurt me so bad Steph." I realized I was trembling. "Why did you have to leave? You could always talk to me about everything".

"I was so scared and confused Chris." she answered. She grabbed both my hands, touched my palms with her lips, as if by doing so, she could absorb all my pain. "When you kissed me the last time we were together, I realized that I am so in love with you and that if I ever lose you, I might die." She gazed into my eyes, touched my cheeks, placed her right hand on my nape, seemingly afraid that if she won't hold me, I would disappear. "A few days after I avoided you, I had a great desire to see you, to touch you,but I was overcome with fear that you will reject me. Afterall, I avoided you without explanation and besides, I didn't even know whether you feel the same way towards me. I know this sounds like an excuse but I have no other reason. I just decided that I will only have the courage to face you once I could see again. I want to be an abled person before facing you again. I don't ever wanna give you anything less of me." she said softly. "And here I am Chris."

"You did not give me a chance to prove you wrong Steph. You just assumed that I am the same as that dimwitted Joe!" I told her bitterly.

"I realized that now. I'm sorry Chris. I've missed you so much and I've fought the urge to come running back to you. Many times, I wanted to call you but I could not muster the courage to do so. I didn't know what to say. Please Chris..please" she said.

'What made you think that I would wait for you? Afterall, there's really nothing between us, right? We were together but we are not really a couple, right?" The moment I said that, I immediately regretted it. I suddenly realized that I don't really have any right to be angry at her and that she doesn't really have the obligation to explain anything to me. I felt like a fool. I hope she doesn't realize it or I'd really look so foolish.

I could see that she was shocked though. For all her doubts about me, I realized that she really trusted me because it looked like she did not even consider the idea that I might just move on with my life without her. Her naivete is really something. She looked too vulnerable that my desire to protect her has really hightened. Somehow, I felt like I just got owned. Haha.

"Oh.." That was all she said and then she cried so hard until she was breathless, I got so worried. After awhile, when she calmed down, she asked "Have you Chris? Have you moved on with your life? Is there no more space in there where you could squeeze me in?" She asked in between sobs. 

"Please..please..even just a tiny spot, I would take it. Please Chris". I never appreciated the weight of her feelings until she said those words. This girl got hurt so bad in the past and she came to a point not to believe in love again. But here she was, begging. I felt like an ass. 

I hated hearing her pleading at me like that. As if I needed convincing. It's not like I'm gonna let her out of my sight ever again. 

"No. I have not moved on with my life without you. I continued with my life hoping that one day, you would appear again. And I was right, Thank God!" It's time to be honest and true to myself. This has been going on for too long, I'm already exhausted. I managed a smile and gently squeezed her hands which are still holding mine so tight. There is no more point for us to prolong the discussion on things that happened in the past, things that we no longer can change. What matters is the here and now.

"Did you know I was looking everywhere for you? I even spent several hours every day in this park hoping to see you again" I continued. I wiped away her tears and caressed her damp cheeks. My heart was filled with so much warmth and relief, still not believing that the love of my life came back and is finally reciprocating my feelings. I pulled her closer to me, kissed her tenderly, her eyes, her cheeks, the tip of her nose, her soft lips. I think I could never have enough of her. But it's fine since I have a lifetime to fill me in and satisfy my longing. 

"I'm so glad you came back. You almost got me killed of loneliness, you know. I've missed you so much.." I said.

I stared at her, looked into her eyes wanting to reach the deepest rescesses of her soul. "You could never burden me enough Steph. You will never be a burden to me. I will carry everything with you." I said, tearing up now. "Even when you were still blind, I was willing to hold your hand and guide you every step of the way. I will never get tired of doing things you could not". I uttered.
"All you have to do is stay where I can see you, be near me, be with me." I was having difficulty speaking and crying at the same time. Passersby were already looking strangely at us. 

"I love you Stephanie. I am so madly in love with you." I kissed her again, let her lips go and breathed out a deep sigh of relief. My heart's filled with happiness, I didn't know how to contain it.

"Will you give me a chance Chris? Will you please forgive me and give me a chance?" She said, still unsure despite what I said. Such a stupid girl.

"Only if you promise me you won't pull this disappearing stunt ever again" I said, feigning anger, my right hand gently touching her hair.

"I promise. You can never get rid of me. You would spend your lifetime having me around. Even if you get annoyed at me or get tired of me, I will always cling to you. And you cannot turn your back on me, never ever!" she said with intensity, I got scared a little. But it was really pleasant to hear.

"Never ever. Glad to know that." I laughed. She smiled.

"Do you realize that this is the first time that I have ever seen your face?" She suddenly asked.

"Yeah..are you disappointed?" I got nervous.

"You are so handsome.." She smiled and kissed me deeply.

"I love you Chris. Thank you." 

And I guess, there is nothing more that needs to be said.
===============================================END=================== ============================
Yipee, it's finally finished! I know the story is poorly written and I still need a lot of writing to do to improve but I am glad I completed my first ever story. I did not intend for this to be too "cheesy" but my personal fantasies really played a major role when I was writing this. Hahaha. Thanks for reading!

Thursday, April 27, 2017

The Blind Girl (Chapter III)

Click here for the Chapter II: 
I was breathing hard and I slowed down. I realized I was on a quiet street and on the far corner
​ to the left​
is a small bridge leading to the park's man-made lake. I crossed over and found myself looking at the very bench where I fi
st laid my eyes on Stephanie
​ two years ago. Memories crept in without warning like a smoke from a raging fire. 

​I remember how harsh she rejected me when I first approached her. I remember how stubborn I was to talk to her despite the pain of immediate rejection. I remember the first time I held her hands while we were walking on the way to their home, one quite night, from our many private moments sitting on the beach. I recalled that she hesitated for only a second and squeezed my hands. That night, I thought we had a thing going on unspoken between us. 

I remember the first time she told me about her dog Jake and the unnamed man she met, who was the only person who was able to tame her dog. I still don't have the answer to that mystery and I have been dying to hear about it. I feel that until I clear up that part, I could never look forward with her. I sat on a bench beside a tree and just looked at the silent lake, reflecting the summer sunshine, seemingly absorbing the scorching heat. I felt someone sat beside me. A knot tightened in my heart. Right there and then, I wanted to cry but I only managed to breathe a heavy sigh.

"Why?" I uttered. I wanted to ask her a lot of things. Why did she leave without telling. Why can't she share her secrets with me? Why can't she open her heart to me? Why won't she let me in her life? Did she really reject me? Did she hate me? Why did she come back?

"Why?" I asked again. For all the things I wanted to ask her, somehow  I  was afraid to hear answers that I don't want. I'm such a coward.

"I thought I don't deserve to be with you" she quietly said.
"What the hell?!" I blurted. What she just said is completely inconsistent with what I have been making myself believe. I thought she hated me.

"Please calm down Chris. Could you please let me explain?" she pleaded. Part of my mind tells me not to listen. My mind is telling me to be angry, to reject whatever she tells me, to just tell her to leave me alone. But I could not, for the life of me, tell her to stop.

"Joe. That was his name. He was the first man that I ever loved. He was the first to make me feel adequate despite my incompleteness. He was the first person who ever made me want to see again. I was really happy. I thought that If I have him, I could dream". A single tear fell from her right eye. Is she still hurting? I wondered and the thought did not please me.

"I was left broken hearted. I thought he loved me. I thought he loved Jake. But.." she stopped and sighed."..he cheated on me with some girl from his work and got her pregnant. I was so hurt that I thought I could die. How could he? Was I not enough? Was it because I was blind? I was gonna have a surgery! Why?". She was crying now. I felt my heart shattered to see her crying. 

"He asked me to break up with him. He said he's going to marry the girl. I begged and begged. I told him that if he loved me, he won't leave me. I told him I would forgive him. That maybe it was just a momentary lapse of judgement on his part. I begged him not to leave me and not to marry the girl. But what he told me completely shocked me." She stopped, as if bracing for impact.

"He said that he did love me but he could not see himself be with me. He said he was not ready to carry the burden of having to take care of a blind person. Can you believe that? I was a burden to him!? I said that I was gonna have a surgery already. But then he finally said that he realized he did not love me that much." What I heard made my blood boil and I thought that I could kill this Joe without second thoughts.

"The pregnant girl came to see me one day at the park and told me to lay off Joe. She told me nasty things. She threw insults at me. Said painful things I do not want to repeat. She told me how pathetic I was for playing the victim and confusing Joe. She said Joe was hesitating to marry her because he felt pity towards me." She continued. "All the while, Jake was barking at her. And before she left, she ran over Jake with her car. She struck Jake suddenly and forcefully that Jake flew several yards from where I was. It was so painful Chris." She was having difficulty speaking now and I unconsicuously rubbed her back to calm her down. "What did the dog ever do to her?" she asked. 

"Then  when I met you," she continued when she calmed down, "..I got scared." After what she had been through, I thought it was not surprising for her to be scared. "What if something like that happened to me again? I could not take it". She said.

"Chris, I was falling in love with you but I got scared." She looked at me as if willing me to believe and understand her. "But beyond my fear, because of you I gained the courage I thought I lost, to try eye surgery. I was scared but I wanted to give myself a chance. I would fight for this feeling. I don't want to lose you. That's what I told myself. But I did not know how to tell you. So I ran away, thinking that you would understand if I can just explain it to you. But the surgery took too long. I had to undergo several procedures".

"Chris, I came back so you would see that I will never be a burden to you. To tell you that I could love you now. I love you. I love you so much. Please forgive me. Please accept me again." She looked so desperate, almost begging.

And then I could not take it anymore. 

"How dare you!" I yelled.
=====================to be continued - FINAL CHAPTER===================  

Friday, February 3, 2017

Why did I NOT fall in love too many times?

Yes. I regret that I have not fallen in love too many times.

You see, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 11 years now.  It's not that I am not happy by his side and that I am not satisfied with the affection that I get out this relationship. However, I would have loved it if I experienced varieties of emotions. They say that one cannot have the same love twice, right? I would have preferred to experience severe heartaches enough to crush my soul. My love story would have been more exciting (although my relationship now is not without some sort of commotion).

I've had past relationships but they never really stirred anything within me that's worth remembering. The emotions I felt never really reached the core of my being. I really don't know why but I just think that I missed a lot in life for being so devoted to a single person for the most part of my life. It's not a bad thing really to love someone so deeply for too long a time but I think that I missed the opportunities to ripen my soul by meeting a few more men with whom I could have shared a unique experience in love.

Well, it's not like I'm always exposed to great men anyway (hahahaha). I'm not even pretty nor attractive. I'm not someone a guy would make a second glance to. I am plain and I think I am ordinary although I believe I have my own charms too (hehe).

Then I guess it's still a good thing that I am with someone who really loves me and sticks up for me despite all the odds. I love him too, enough that I could not imagine a day without him by my side, really. But it would have been nice to have our hearts broken many times so that we could love each other better and could treasure each other right.

But then staying with someone is a choice. I did make a choice 11 years ago and I think falling out of love is no longer on the table. :)

Sunday, January 8, 2017

I regret being a good student in High school

Being a good student is not a bad thing. It is actually very rewarding. You can make your parents proud and you will gain the admiration of the people around you. But it has its downside too.

Eversince I was in Elementary, I was always in the honor roll. I even graduated Valedictorian. In Highschool, I was in the Top 5 of my batch. I was also active in extra-curricular activities. I even joined the CAT (Citizens' Army Training) and became the Captain of Charlie Company. I was the Editor-in-Chief of our school paper. I was a Senator in our Student Body Organization. I was everywhere! I regret being too busy because I've lost too many opportunities to truly enjoy High School.

I had lots of friends back then. But no one really stayed true. I realized that people were drawn to me because I was popular. Not because I was a good friend and that I was fun to be with. It's just that I was "there".

People developed high expectations on me. Those expectations, up to this moment, always prevent me from truly pursuing the path I want because over the years, I was made to believe that I can only become significant if I become "somebody". In truth, I just want to be a nobody.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have focused more on making true friends rather that craving for admiration. Back then, I really thought and felt important. Boy, was I so wrong. I was too full of myself. And now, I have no one I can really run to and pour my feelings on. My bestfriend has a family of her own now and I could not really bother her about my problems, you know. No one comes to mind whenever I want someone to listen to me.

I was so caught up with the desire to have people admire me that I missed out what's truly important. I now realized that I never really enjoyed High school that much. I never enjoyed my younger days the way others did.

Being good at something is always a positive thing. Excelling in academics is also advantageous where it really matters but as we grow older, we realize that those are really just superficial. They can help us in our careers but they sometimes prevent us from truly enjoying the life God gave us.

There are more important things in life than receiving recognitions and awards. :)

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Series of Regrets

All of us have regrets in life. Sometimes, our mistakes in the past catch us in the present that pushes us to the corner and make us wish to go back to that certain past to correct our mistake or to undo our past actions or untangle past confusions. Of course, it's impossible. And the only thing that remain is REGRET.

We have choices. I know that. Even happiness is a choice. Even love. And if you do not feel any regret in your heart, then you must have made the right choice.

Or so I thought.

At the age of 30, I already have so many regrets and I carry them everyday. They are heavy and they are making me so unhappy.

In my future posts, I will tell you what those regrets are and how they've changed me as a person.

I will tell you how carefree I was and how I loved my life way back then.

I will tell you about the people who made a mark in my life, whether good or bad. I will tell you about my darkest thoughts.

I'd like to start year 2017 with full acceptance of everything that composed me as a person. 

Bear with me. I am trying to figure out myself.